Subject: Why Don’t We Ever Do Work?
by Spazzkitty
Summary: A tale told in e-mail centering on various budding relationships in an office when people are SUPPOSED to be doing work. All poor Elizabeta wants is photos of it all. Rated for a lot of swearing/lewd comments. PruHun, UsUk, Spero, GerIta, KorChi, etc.
1. Strawberries

I know, I know, the LAST thing Spazzkitty should do is start another story. She's got enough on her plate already. And she's referring to herself in the third person. She's LOST it. Or rather, I have. But ever since I read this GREAT Naruto E-mail fic, I've been inspired to do one for Hetalia. Just a warning: SLOW UPDATES, PEOPLE. THEY WILL BE SLOOOOOOW. You know this if you follow my other stuff. Just kick back and enjoy the humor! Pairings at this point are KorChi, PruHun, GerIta, Spero, UsUk, and probably more (most likely RussLiet). I don't know if I'll take requests, but basically everyone will be in here, so I can do a LOT of pairs~ I don't own Hetalia! So just sit back and enjoy~

Subject: Why Don't We Ever Do Work?

Chapter 1: Strawberries

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!

Yong Soo

Why does NOBODY update me on the goings-on of the office? I mean, seriously. Just because I'm usually on-top of everything doesn't mean I don't need people to tell me things sometimes. I'm not a miracle worker.

But anyway. Did you know that apparently one of the new interns is Feli's brother? I didn't even KNOW Feli had a brother. Supposedly they're almost identical-looking. Oh goodness gracious. Is it wrong to hope Feliciano, his brother, and that blonde guy who always awkwardly lurks near the water cooler start a super-hot threesome and let me take a couple pictures of it?

…Don't answer that.

Speaking of questions I may not want the answers to, did you see Feliks's heels today? Prada with a spike heel. Ouch. Gotta give credit where it's due—the guy makes them look absolutely effortless.

Love and hugs,

Liza

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: I don't know, but I DID! :D

Eliza

Tsk, tsk. I'm disappointed. That's not like you at all. You're always so informed. Are you getting rusty?

Yes, I knew Feliciano had a brother. He was telling me all about him the other day, but I wasn't paying attention at all. I was too busy watching Yao eating frozen yogurt and imagining slathering it all over his body. And then licking it off. Mmm. Strawberry. ;D

You mean Ludwig? He's another new intern. That guy's really weird. He was just staring at Feliciano with a dreamy expression all during lunch. And he was clutching at his sandwich like he was afraid it would run away from him cackling like the gingerbread man. He didn't even care that his mechanical pencils were invented in Korea. The guy's a nutcase.

Hm. Didn't see them, but they sound pretty sexy. D'you think I could convince him to let me borrow them to show Yao? ;3

-Yong Soo

* * *

From: Yao Wang

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: Office Disruption

Dear Yong Soo,

I must ask that you stop writing Ms. Héderváry, as whenever she talks to you, she can't ever seem to get any work done. She just ran past my office to the bathroom, clutching a tissue to her nose which seemed to be bleeding suspiciously heavily. I can only assume that you're the cause of this scenario, and I must therefore ask you to refrain from disrupting her work.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Cordially,

Wang Yao

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Yao Wang

Subject: DO I DETECT JEALOUSY?

My dearest Yao, the light of my existence,

I'm sorry that me talking to Liza has caused you to feel lonely and abandoned. I promise to divide my time equally between you, although do remember that my heart will always belong completely to you. Just like your breasts will always be mine and mine alone :D

As for the reason she was bleeding 'suspiciously' (How is that possible?), I have no idea what caused it. Maybe she's on her period.

Lovingly yours,

Yong Soo

* * *

From: Yao Wang

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: …No

Dear Yong Soo,

I've reread my past email and nothing in there implies I am lonely or abandoned in any way. I must ask you to stop putting words in my mouth.

Also, I AM A MALE AND HAVE NO BREASTS. I find it surprising you haven't been able to grasp this yet.

…Do you even know what a girl's period is?

From,

Wang Yao

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Yao Wang

Subject: LIES!!!!!!

To my sweet Muffin-Bottom (I heard that pet name from Alfred! Isn't it adorable?! :D)

I put no words in your mouth, my dearest Yao. YOU PUT THEM THERE YOURSELF :P

Why you silly, silly thing! Of course you have breasts! But don't worry, I prefer yours to Eliza's. Even though she's probably about a C-cup now. Or a D. I can ask if you want. But regardless, yours are still the best in my mind~

No. Can you tell me?

Your devoted servant,

Yong Soo

* * *

From: Yao Wang

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: …

Yong Soo,

Go Die.

Yao.

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: YAO HATES ME NOW D:

ELIZAAAAAAAA!

HE TOLD ME TO GO DIE! I BET IT'S BECAUSE YOUR CHEST IS BIGGER THAN HIS! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

I need to go eat ice cream now. Or strawberry frozen yogurt.

Distraughtly yours,

Yong Soo

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: I'm sure it's not as bad as all that, dearie

Yong Soo,

…When were you two talking about my chest? Never mind, I don't want to know.

I'm sure it doesn't have to do with that. Maybe he's just…shy. Or embarrassed. Please don't tell me you broke out the pet names again. You'd think you'd learn after the last time you called him Cuddle-Duck and he punched you so hard in the gut you couldn't stand up for fifteen minutes. Nobody has such a horrendous talent for those kinds of names as you.

…But then again, Feliks's 'Glitter-Kitten' was truly a work of art as well.

The weirdest thing happened to me on the way back from the bathroom. I met the infamous brother! Let's just say that it's not very likely that he'll be up for a threesome. Or even a twosome, for that matter. It makes me pretty sad. Why can't we have an office full of gay men who love public affection in front of cameras?

I guess we all have to have dreams…

~Eliza

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: IT TOTALLY IS AS BAD AS ALL THAT!!!

Eliza,

…He loves the pet names. You know it. They brighten up his otherwise dull and meaningless life. Like light bulbs (which were, by the way, invented in Korea).

Or something like that.

IS FELIKS STEALING MY PET NAMES THING? THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL FOR ME AND YAO! HE WILL TOTALLY PAY FOR THAT! MY GOD! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE? IS NOTHING SACREEEEED?!

Ooh, so you DID meet the other brother (lol, that rhymed :D)! Spill the juicy details?

-Yong Soo

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: You're totally overreacting again -_-

Yong Soo,

Spill the details?

…Well, if you insist!

OKAY. SO. I was just walking down the hallway on the way back from the bathroom (On that note, thanks a lot for the nosebleed. Did you really have to play the strawberry froyo card?) when I saw this guy at the company mailboxes who looked a helluva lot like Feli. Like, almost identical. Except he had this brooding, un-Felilike expression on his face, which actually made him look pretty hot. So he's hot and Feli's cute. I wonder which'd top in bed?

…I gotta stop doing that.

Anyway. He was shifting through the mail and I was just casually observing from behind a potted plant (OBSERVING, not stalking), and all of a sudden, Antonio walks into the hallway (I know you've probably forgotten who he is already, so let's just say he's the guy who forgets to turn off the sink in the boy's bathroom, which is why it always floods in there) and stops. Dead. This look comes across his face, and I can't describe it, except that it was CLEARLY love at first sight.

I'M NOT EVEN OVERREACTING HERE.

His face was all flushed and his eyes sparkled and IT LOOKED JUST LIKE A THOUSAND ANGELS HAD DESENDED UPON HIM AND FILLED HIM WITH THE GLORY OF A FRESH SPRINGIME LOVE. I can just imagine your look of skepticism, but trust me. I know that look when I see it. And, as I'm sure you can tell by my capslock, I saw it as clearly as you can see that President Kirkland lusts after that stupid blonde who poured chocolate milk into the only working toaster in the break room in an attempt to make hot chocolate. Which makes it as PLAIN AS THE CURL ON YOUR HEAD.

What happened next can only be described as one of the most satisfying boy-hits-on-boy attempts I've ever seen in my life. Antonio basically leapt forward, grabbed Not-Feliciano's hand, KISSED THE BACK OF IT (BE STILL MY HEART!), and looked up at him with an adorably lopsided smile. "My name is Antonio," he said in that incredibly sexy accent of his (So what if he's gay? I can window-shop if I want). "May I ask for your name?"

I MELTED. ON THE SPOT.

Not-Feliciano's face turned bright red and I had to bite my lip so hard it bled to stop from squealing because the whole thing was SO romantic and SO cute, but he scowled at him so ferociously that Antonio looked a little bemused. "Excuse me," he said in an acidic tone, "Do you have a map? I got lost in the pitfalls of your ugly face."

THE LOOK ON ANTONIO'S FACE COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS SMITTEN.

And when Not-Feliciano noticed this, he socked him in the stomach and ran off, blushing and muttering to himself the whole way. All Antonio did was stare at him dreamily, clutching his stomach in pain.

I THINK I HAVE ANOTHER COUPLE TO SHIP IN THIS OFFICE~! Besides you and Yao, that is 3

AP9JAMN9PITJ4MKARVFB9W8IO3RF OH MY GOD, THAT SLIMY ALBINO JUST... I AM GOING TO _KILL_ HIM.

-ELIZABETA

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: My dear Liza, I NEVER overreact.

…

That sounds like the most interesting thing to happen to this office since that guy from Denmark filled all the soap dispensers with toothpaste.

And I remember Antonio. Sparkly-green-eyes, oblivious-as-fuck, hangs out with King-Of-Egomaniacs and Sexually-Violates-Anything-That-Moves.

The blonde that he lusts for? Alfred F. Jones. How could you forget his name? He made up that whole eighteen-verse song about how awesome he was that he was singing through the hallways for three weeks straight.

…Oh god, now it's stuck in my head. CURSE YOU, JONES!

YAO AND I ARE THE CUTEST COUPLE EVER!!!!!! :D

What are you going to DO to him? Wait for me, I wanna watch! Be right there!!

-Yong Soo

* * *

From: Arthur Kirkland

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: You ignorant tosser

Mr. Beilschmidt,

I'm assuming from the frying pan-shaped mark on implanted on your face that you yet again made some sort of lewd comment or gesture to Miss Héderváry and she has (yet again) responded accordingly by bashing your face in with her weapon of choice. I would just like to take this chance to remind you that she could sue you for sexual harassment.

Or I could fire you. Both options are tempting.

Also, while I'm on the topic of it, she clearly hates you. As does Mr. Edelstein. As does…well, most everyone for that matter.

Get back to work, you lazy ass.

~Arthur Kirkland

President of Marketing and Sales

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Arthur Kirkland

Subject: Go fuck yourself. Or, better yet, have Jones do it.

Attached: Blackmail

Captain KIRKland,

I'm assuming from the stick up your ass that you yet again spent another night lying awake, wishing you weren't so sex-deprived and have (yet again) decided to take out your sexual frustrations on me because you're just that sort of person. I would just like to take this chance to remind you that I get more in one night than you have in your entire life.

That's probably because of my five meters. I know THAT'S tempting.

Also, while I'm on the topic of it, you clearly want Jones. You practically whimper every time he comes into your office with his tight jeans on Casual Friday. Don't think I haven't noticed.

I also have a picture of you staring longingly at his ass (see attachment for proof). If you fire me, I'm sending it to Elizabeta. That's as good as telling the New York Times.

Cheerio!

~Gilbert Beilschmidt

President of Kicking Serious Amounts of Ass

* * *

A/N: So what do you think, guys? Love it? Hate it? Tolerate it? Please review regardless~


	2. Vampires

Yeah. So I had a MASSIVE computer ban because I sucked at getting homework done, so I haven't been able to write this or anything, which is part of why it's so late. But I'm happy to bring this to you, AND I'm proud to hold my FIRST CONTEST EVER! Details are at the end of this chapter! Without further ado: Chapter Two~ =D (Hehe, I rhymed~)

Subject: Why Don't We Ever Do Work?

Chapter 2: Vampires

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo

Subject: WELL, WELL, WELL.

Attached: For your viewing pleasure

ANTONIO, YOU LITTLE CHARMER YOU.

Don't think I didn't see what happened between you and not-Feliciano. Because I DID. I AM THE QUEEN OF STEALTH. OH HO HO.

Anyway. I did see your lovely little encounter in the hallway. I must say you did a fantastic job in your efforts to woo your lady-love. I got some amazing photographs, by the way. I'm sending you one of the better ones, just because I know you'll appreciate the red face he has (this is when he was walking away, so I know you didn't see it). Isn't it cute? Like a little tomato~

Back to business. I've taken an…interest in your plight. As I type this, I'm already mentally composing an email to Feliciano and planning on ways of interrogating him about this shocking new development (a.k.a., his twin MANAGING TO RESIST YOUR CHARMS. Don't worry, we'll break him). I promise to fill you in on anything you might be able to use, if in turn you fill me in on any juicy hallway encounters I might be missing. You give me my fix, I'll give you yours. Fair is fair. Not that I miss much, but better safe than sorry, right?

But, yeah. I'll send some more pictures later if they came out good—I didn't have time to do more then glance at them, just because Kirkland was stomping down the hallway, doing his Raugh-I'm-All-Pissed thing and I had to pretend to be doing work when he walked by (wonder what got his panties in a twist?). But, rest assured, these pictures are the crème of the crop. Hehe.

I look forward to your cooperation in this VERY IMPORTANT matter, and it's a pleasure doing business with you!

Your friend,

Elizabeta

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: So I think I found my calling

Yong Soo,

So I've decided to work on getting Antonio and Not-Feliciano (God, I need to find out that kid's real name) together. Honestly, I just don't trust that dense-but-INCREDIBLY-PRETTY imbecile to actually win Not-Feliciano's fickle little heart. He's going to need a helping hand. And by that, I mean I'll basically FORCE them to go together, because they can't DO it without my expertise. Amateurs.

I may need your help with this. I'm not sure how much I can do on my own (at least provide me with some moral support and advice), and there's nobody in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE I trust more. I'm not going to beg for your assistance, but…

…PLEASE? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?

PLEASE?

Eliza, your BEST FRIEND FOREVER WHO YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO HELP.

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: What is it? Taxidermy?

Eliza,

Oh. Matching up two gay boys in your office. So _that's_ your calling.

…I was still close, right?

Of course I'll help you, you crazy little Hungarian! There's few things I love more than messing with people's heads and doing something with my bestest friend Eliza~ Yao, of course, is one of those things I love more. No offence, but daaaamn. Every time I'm around him, I'm on a stormy sea of moving emotion! Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean (rhymed again =D)! Is he not the most radiant ocean you've ever laid eyes on (ha, extended metaphor)? IS HE NOT?! He is the sun to my sunflower, the rain to my umbrella, the walking stick to my crippled old man…without him I'm just incomplete! Without him, I'm simply masquerading as a man with a reason! He is my fudge-bunny, my flamboyant hummingbird, my snoogie pookums. HE IS MY MUSE.

Or he would be, if I had any artistic talent. But artistic talent originated in Korea, so I probably have some somewhere. I just need to UNROOT it.

The last time I made a declaration like that, Yao kicked me in the groin. How is that fair?! I confess my undying devotion, and he decides to introduce his foot and my crotch in a way that's not kinky at all! That man is such a goddamn cocktease.

Promise Yao and I will be the next ones to be forcibly put together and I promise you you'll have my COMPLETE assistance with anything you could ever need help with.

EVER.

PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS ASAP. Kirkland's on his way, and I don't want to get shit from him for not doing my work. How much you wanna bet Jones dumped him (even though they're not _technically_ together, but my ITALICS SAY OTHERWISE)?

Yong Soo

* * *

From: Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: !!! THAT PICTURE!! MUY BONITA!!

Elizaveta

His name is Lovino, Lovino Vargas. The most beautiful name ever to be uttered from anyone's lips. Lo-vi-no Var-gas~ I saw it on his new-intern name tag!

I'm not sure exactly how well I did, but I don't think I really deserved that punch to the stomach… All I wanted was to profess the fervent desires of my heart to the angel I saw before me. Those smoldering eyes! Those pouty lips! I swoon just thinking about them~

You're going to help me win his affection? _Magnífico!_ For some reason, he didn't seem to react well to my expression of love. The way his eyes lit up with bloodlust…it was SO CUTE!!! I've never felt this way about anyone before, Elizaveta. I'm not entirely sure what to do…Ah well! The answer will come to me when it comes to me! I would love to fill you in on all of the adorable actions taken by this divine creature, and I look forward IMMENSELY to these photos and any others you might capture.

President Kirkland? I don't know what got him so upset, but I believe Gilbert said something about blackmailing him…I must have misheard it, right?

I look forward to your lovely pictures (I can barely suppress my excitement!) and am waiting impatiently for your next email.

With love,

Antonio~

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: Taxidermy? Sicko.

Yong Soo,

I don't know why Yao would be offended by that speech. I found it touching! But maybe that's just because it's not about me.

…Yeah, if that was about me, I'd probably kick you, too.

You have _some_ artistic talent. I really liked those tie-dye snowflakes you made for the office out of coffee filters. I thought they really made the whole place into a lovely hippie winter-wonderland, and all the clients loved them, too. The only person who _didn't_ like them was Kirkland, but it's already been established that it's physically impossible for him to enjoy anything that brings people happiness.

OH MY GOD, JONES BETTER NOT HAVE DUMPED HIM BEFORE THEY WERE EVEN TECHNICALLY TOGETHER. THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SO CUTE TOGETHER! JONES MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TEACH HIM THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THEN BEING A PISSY TEENAGED GIRL WHO'S PMSING! ALAS, WHAT A WORLD—

Oh wait. Antonio seems to think that Gilbert's got some sort of blackmail on him. I bet it's juicy…I waaaaaaant to seeeeeee itttttt…

You know what? Let's make a deal. If you can get Gilbert to send me that blackmail, then I'll teach you the proper way to make Yao go out with you. Because, honestly, I love you and Yao together. Really I do. But it's also extremely exhausting work for no pay, especially considering how difficult Yao is. You get me that blackmail, and you two will be next on the list. Mmkay, honey? Is that a deal?

Now I'm off to compose an e-mail to Feliciano about his brother (BY THE WAY: His name is Lovino. And it's apparently the most beautiful name ever to be uttered by angels or something. I kinda prefer Kamilla or Miklós, but whatever floats Antonio's armada). (Get the joke there? Because he's from Spain, and the Spanish had the armada that sank when they were going to England—…Never mind.) See if you can convince Gilbert (I know he'd say no to me just because he's an asshole) to share the blackmail, then get back to me.

Love you~

Eliza

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHATEVER I NEED TO KNOW

I'M NOT SCREWING AROUND, BEILSCHMIDT. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YAO IS AT STAKE HERE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON KIRKLAND?

YONG SOO

(Whoops! Forgot to turn off my capslock!)

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: Uh-huuuuuh. Suuuuure.

So. This is for Elizabeta, right? No can do. If I tell you, you'll tell her and then the entire office will know within a matter of moments. And blackmail loses all its punch if everyone knows about it. Hell, if this gets out, Kirkland will probably fire me cold-turkey. Although I actually have about sixteen various files of different blackmail on him. He just doesn't know about it. Including photos from this one time at a strip club. I can't say any more then that, just know that I never looked at waiter outfits the same way again. And I did score with a really hot brunette that day, who had never had such amazing sex in her life. So all in all, it was a good night by all accounts.

But anyway. There's just no point in giving you this, because I get nothing in return. So your answer is a FUCK NO. HAVE A NICE DAY!

Gilbert 'Five Meters' Beilschmidt

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: Five meters? More like five _centi_meters.

Gilbert, you little bitch.

I had a feeling you'd say that, even though it KILLS MY CHANCES OF HAVING A DEEP, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP with Yao. But you've been a selfish ass ever since grade school, so I don't know why I'm surprised. Ah well. But you're going to help me anyway, whether you want to or not! ^_^

Hm…sleeping with a brunette. This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you've been pining after Elizabeta since Oh-I-don't-know, KINDERGARDEN, would it? And the one time you asked her out to prom, she was already going with Roderich AND she thought you were joking and you ended up going with the only other person who didn't have a date—aka, ME? And then you got extremely drunk on all the beer people snuck in there and blubbered to me for two hours about how madly in love with her you were and how she never noticed you even though you were so awesome she should have been begging you to go out with her? And even _now_ she doesn't actually view you as a man and sees you more as an annoying pest who needs to be stomped on repeatedly and she doesn't realize how your heart is still broken over her?

Or am I just extrapolating here? Yeah, didn't think so.

But I have a little blackmail of my own. Do you remember a certain poem you wrote in the seventh grade on a math worksheet you left in your locker and then threw at my head? Because I do. And it's laminated on my wall. It goes a little something like this:

_Dear Elizabeta: _

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue, _

_Your eyes are really pretty_

_And your hair is, too_

_Will you go out with me?_

_Gilbert_

MMHMM. SCANDALOUS.

So if you don't want our pretty little Liza to know about this whole fiasco, I suggest letting me know what I need to know. What do you have on Kirkland?

See how mean I just had to be? I'm sorry, but if this is the price it takes for me and my Yao-poodle to be together, then I'm more then willing to resort to blackmail. I'M SORRY I'VE SULLIED MYSELF, YAO DARLING!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!!

I look forward to your response~

Im Yong Soo

* * *

To: Im Yong Soo

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: Pfft. Your jealousy is pathetic.

…

I'll be right there to beat the crap out of you.

Run.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Feliciano Vargas

Subject: What are your brother's turn-ons?

Feli, my darling! How are you doing?

So, yeah. About the title of the e-mail. Apparently Antonio is interested in at least screwing your brother. And at most, he might end up marrying him. And there should be dates in stuff somewhere in the middle of there. But anyway.

Since you're his brother and Antonio's favorite hugging-dummy, I figured it'd be best to go to you to get any advice on how Antonio should go about trying to score a date with your admittedly pissy brother. Is there anything in particular that has worked on Lovino in the past? Does he like flowers or chocolate? Are his eyes dark green or hazel? What's the best way to stop him from mauling anybody who attempts to be nice to him?

And what's this I hear (from my various sources) about water-cooler boy checking you out during lunch?

All important questions that only you, my dear, can answer!

From,

Your Big Sister Elizabeta!

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Ve, what's a turn-on? Is it like a light switch-thingy?

HI, ELIZA!!! =D I'M SUPER HAPPY TODAY! I GOT NEW FLOWERS IN THE WINDOWBOX IN MY APARTMENT, AND THEY SMELL LIKE SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS! AND I GOT A HOT CHOCOLATE FROM THE DUNKIN DONUTS THIS MORNING AND IT WAS SO YUMMY! AND THEN I FOUND A FACE-UP PENNY ON THE ELAVATOR FLOOR!!! FACE-UP MEANS DOUBLY LUCKY!!!

I can just tell this week is gonna go really well!

Big Brother Toni is in love with my Lovi? That's so adorable! I can't wait until he proposes! They'll be so cute together, and if they have babies, they'll be the most beautiful children in the world, with pretty dark hair and sparkly eyes! I want to be an aunt so badly!

…Oh wait. I'm a boy. So I'd be an uncle, then! Hehe!

Ve…my brother's never dated anybody before. The one time someone else asked him out, he BIT them. And then everyone thought he was a vampire, it was so silly! Hehe! But he told me he thinks chocolate and flowers are clee-shay (what does that mean?) and unoriginal. So we'd need to think of something really really special! His eyes are hazel, and the best way to stop him from mauling people is to put him on a leash. Grandpa did it one time when we were just little kids and it worked really well!

LUDWIG WAS CHECKING ME OUT?!?!?!?!?!?! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! LUDWIG WAS CHECKING ME OUT!!!!!!!

Tell me more about it!!!!

Your Little Brother Feli!

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?!

Eliza,

I'm sure you've noticed the fact that I have the shit kicked out of me. But you will be happy to know that I got you the information you wanted. Apparently, it's a picture of Kirkland studying the perfect piece of art we know as Alfred Jones's ass. He's going to send you the picture, don't worry. And be sure to tell him how amazing his black eye looks. He had the nerve to say that MY Yao looked like a girl. The NERVE. Just because he has a beautiful chest doesn't mean he's a girl. Although he'd make a very sexy one…

Anyone else in the mood for strawberry yogurt all of a sudden?

Much love,

Yong Soo

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: God, your friend fights dirty.

Attachment: Don't you DARE show another soul.

Elizabeta, you psychopath.

Why did you have to sic the psycho Korean on me? My god, that thing can be vicious. Of course, he wasn't nearly talented enough to beat my awesome in a fistfight, but he did manage to get in a few good hits. And he's fucking BLACKMAILING me. Jesus. I didn't know you'd go that far just to get a stupid photo. I have a new respect for you. But only a very minimal respect. You're still a mood-swinging, hysterical, obsessive-over-gay-boys bitch.

But we can't necessarily all be as frickin amazing as I am. I don't blame you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go disinfect the bite-marks your guard-dog left on my arm.

The fricking incredible Gilbert

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: You bit Gilbert?

You're a vampire too! Just like Lovi!

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: For real?

You bit him.

I love you.

Eliza

* * *

Okay. This is my first contest EVER, so be patient. In this chapter, I've wormed in three lines from a pretty well-known (but old) song. If anyone can guess it, they'll win a fabulous prize! Here's three hints about it:

All three lines are in the same email

The lines are written by Korea

The song is more then five minutes long

The first person to guess the name of the song in the reviews will get to decide on one of the four possible prizes listed here:

Choosing any random item to appear in the next chapter

Choosing what pairing will get fluff in the next chapter

Choosing a plot device (Ex. Appearance of an Ex, Prank War, etc) to appear in the story

Choosing a pairing to appear in the story (maybe just as a cameo, if I don't feel I can write it) AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T INVOLVE Feliciano, Lovino, Antonio, Ludwig, Gilbert, Eliza, Yong Soo, Alfred, Arthur, or Yao.

So get guessing, guys! Only one guess per person, and PLEASE have some way for me to respond to you (I can't respond to anonymous reviews) if you win! And please drop a review, even if you don't know! Because I love you all!

As a side note, I REALLY wanna draw a picture of that UsUk blackmail. Too bad my drawing skills suck and my parents look at everything I doodle…


	3. Rendezvous at the Water Cooler

Jeez, how do you even apologize for this much of a delay…? You all must be ready to stab me. And this is better then most of my other stories, too! I am such a bad person… Just know that a lot of shit has been going down on my end and my resolve sorta…died. But thanks to some very sweet PMs asking me to update, it's been REVIVED! And here it is, all juicy and delicious and hot off the presses! This chapter is dedicated to LolliDictator, the winner of the contest! She correctly guessed 'Carry on my Wayward Son' by Kansas, and her request was RussLiet in this chapter! So here you are, my dear (Should I do more of these contests in the future…?) Remember, though—I don't own Hetalia! ON WITH THE SHOW!

Subject: Why Don't We Ever Do Work?

Chapter Three: Rendezvous at the Water Cooler

From: Arthur Kirkland

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: This morning's…_incident_.

Toris,

I'm really not sure how to phrase this eloquently, or tactfully. Or, well…politely. Or in a way that won't mortify you for at least the next two weeks. But it's not my job to be polite; I'm the boss. That's your job.

Toris, I don't think I've ever had a better secretary. You always keep my meetings on track, and your notes on them are impeccable. You help me pick out ties. You always bring me my absolute favorite tea at the perfect temperature, and you even give me a little lemon wedge in it. Although you KEEP LETTING THAT OAF JONES INTO MY OFFICE EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD YOU I HAVE WORK TO DO AND DESPITE WHAT YOU SEEM TO THINK, I DO NOT ENJOY HIS RANDOM VISITS AND BOTH OF US ARE VERY BUSY PEOPLE! …I suppose I'm getting distracted. But, please. Keep him out of my office. For the love of God, I'm begging you.

…What was I even saying in this Email? Oh, right. Please stop making out in my office ON MY DESK with your boyfriend. Thank you.

~Arthur Kirkland

President of Marketing and Sales

* * *

From: Toris Lorinaitis

To: Arthur Kirkland

Subject: I, er…um…

Mr. Kirkland,

I'm sorry, sir! I really wasn't planning on doing anything, and he's not my boyfriend! We really aren't in a relationship, I swear! He just came in when I was straightening up the papers on your desk, and you know how Ivan's smile is, like a little sunflower and all that…and the way he says my name with that cute accent of his…Well, it makes me lose my self-control sometimes. We're not actually dating, and I promise it won't happen again. I mean, Ivan has to realize we're not in a deep relationship. We've never been on a date or anything, and he's never met my parents. In fact, the only thing we really do that would imply a relationship is the occasional kissing on your desk.

…I really am sorry about that.

And on a more unrelated note, sir, how could you berate me for letting Alfred into your office? He really brightens up the room, and he's never that much trouble. And also, it really seems to make him happy to see you on a more regular basis.

Plus, he helped me out of a difficult spot a few years back. I really can't say no to him, ever. …Except that one time when he wanted me to come to work in spandex and a cape with him on Halloween. But that was a special case.

I'll be in shortly with your tea, sir. Please leave the door open for me.

Toris Lorinaitis

* * *

From: Ivan Braginski

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: Hello, pretty, pretty Toris~!

Torissss~!

I didn't get much of a chance to ask you how your morning was before we sort of attacked each other, so I wanted to know how things were going with you! I hope Kirkland didn't say anything mean to you! He's such a prick sometimes, isn't he~? Hehe! If he said even one word that made you feel uncomfortable or sad, I might just have to go into his room in the middle of the night with a butcher knife and an axe and teach him a lesson about how to treat a gentle, sweet young man such as you~ Just imagining it makes me so excited…Kol…_Kolkolkolkol_…

OH MY GOODNESS! SOMEBODY PLANTED SUNFLOWERS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW NEAR MY CUBICLE! THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, OH MY GOODNESS! EEEE~! LOOK AT THEIR DELICATE LITTLE PETALS AND THE WAY THEIR LEAVES FLUTTER IN THE BREEZE! THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO WARM INSIDE~!

What was I even talking about?

Ah, that's right~! When we get married, would you mind wearing my family's traditional wedding gown? Normally I wouldn't ask, and I know you probably want to pick out your own dress. But, well, it was my grandmother's, and my mother's too, and it's always been a dream of mine that when I get married I would get to see my blushing bride in my family wedding dress! So if you wouldn't horribly mind, will you come over to my apartment one of these days and let my sister take your measurements in case we need to take the dress in? Thank you~

With love always,

Ivan =D

(Do you like the smiley-face? Alfred taught me how to make them! It's so cute! You just turn your head on its side and there it is! See, the equal sign is eyes, and the 'D' is a big smiling mouth! See it? SEE IT?)

* * *

From: Toris Lorinaitis

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Subject: OH MY GOD, FELIKS, WHAT DO I DO?

FELIKS, I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

APPARENTLY IVAN THINKS WE'RE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND IS TALKING ABOUT _MARRIAGE_.

MARRIAGE!

HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED TO ME! AND HE WANTS ME TO WEAR HIS GRANDMOTHER'S WEDDING DRESS! Which is actually rather sweet when you think about it…I mean, his grandmother probably meant a lot to him, and he said it's his dream to have his bride wear that dress when she's walking down the aisle…

BUT I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO MAKE THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT TO SOMEONE WHO I JUST MAKE OUT WITH FROM TIME TO TIME! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M READY TO MAKE THAT COMMITMENT AT ALL!

WHAT DO I DO? HELP ME!

* * *

From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

To: Toris Lorinaitis

Subject: YOU SAID 'OH MY GOD'! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

Oh, Tori! I'm so excited for you! You've finally found that special someone and you're getting married! I'm your maid of honor, right? Because if I'm not some shit is gonna, like, HIT THE FAN. If any skank tries to take my spot, I swear I'll claw her prissy little eyeballs out with my gorgeous nails. By the way, did you notice my new manicure? I was thinking about doing French tips, but I thought that would look a little too gaudy. Instead, I triple-coated them in this GORGEOUS shade of magenta polish that goes with my new scarf!

WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. BRAINSTORM. I COULD TOTALLY GIVE YOU A MANI-PEDI FOR THE WEDDING! EEEE, I'M SUCH A GENIUS! Okay, sit with me at lunch. I'm gonna run out to my car super quick and get my whole collection of nail polish, and we're gonna go through all the different shades and see what goes best with your eyes. I'm thinking either Lilac Purple or Peach Melba, but let's wait until we see up-close, mmkay Tori?

Wait, what am I saying? How could I focus on nail polish when there's a much bigger issue here? Tori, how could you do something so, like, ridiculous? You can't agree to wear his grandmother's wedding dress until you see how it fits on your body! I mean, two weeks ago I decided to try on my Mom's old bridesmaid gown from my Aunt's wedding (which was totally a stupid idea because I usually look so trampy in fuchsia taffeta). And it looked totally sexy on the hanger, but when I put it on it made my hips look as big as Free Willy. So don't make your beau any promises until you get fitted. Alright? Peachy!

I'm gonna go make some arrangements for the bachelorette party! I bet I can talk Yong Soo into video-taping the wedding, too! He's always using that camera of his to videotape Yao. I'll go see him about it right now! TTYL, My little butternut squash!

Hugs and kisses,

~*~*~Your Bestie, Feliks*~*~*

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Gilbert Bielschmidt

Subject: WANNA KNOW WHAT'S HILARIOUS?

HEY, GILBERT. GUESS WHAT.

IVAN IS GETTING MARRIED TO TORIS AND YOU'RE STILL PINING OVER ELIZABETA LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT IN 'YOU BELONG WITH ME'. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

EVEN THE GUY WHO BEAT UP A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM FOR STEPPING ON A SUNFLOWER IS IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. AND YOU'RE STILL LONELY AND PATHETIC, DRINKING OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT LOSING THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IN HIGH SCHOOL TO A PIANIST WHO STARCHES ALL HIS CLOTHES. EVEN HIS UNDERWEAR. IN FACT, THE ONLY PERSON WHO WOULD GO TO THE PROM WITH YOU WAS ME, AND I'M THE SAME PERSON WHO GAVE YOU A BLACK EYE YESTERDAY BECAUSE YOU DARED TO INSULT MY YAO. PAYBACK'S A BITCH.

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

YONG SOO!

* * *

From: Gilbert Bielschmidt

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: Your face, mom, sex life, or all of the above?

HEY, YONG SOO. GUESS WHAT.

YOU'RE EVEN MORE ALONE THEN I AM! BECAUSE WHILE YOU'RE PINING AFTER YOUR WEIRD SHEMALE I'M GETTING OUT AT NIGHTS AND HAVING AMAZING SEX WITH DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS WOMEN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ALSO, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO MAKES REFENCES TO TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS. AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER, YOU ALSO DIDN'T HAVE A PROM DATE. BECAUSE THE GIRL YOU WERE MADLY IN LOVE WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS SO DISTURBED BY YOU THAT SHE DRAGGED HER BROTHER TO PROM INSTEAD SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO WITH YOU. AND THEN YOU GOT AN EVEN BIGGER THING FOR HER BROTHER AND PINED AFTER HIM ALL THOUGH COLLEGE EVEN THOUGH YOU ONLY MET HIM ONCE FOR THREE SECONDS AND _DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIS FUCKING NAME_.

AND NOW, EVEN THOUGH BY SOME RANDOM COINCIDENCE YOU WORK AT THE SAME COMPANY, HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU. AND HE THINKS YOU'RE A PSYCHO. AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. PAYBACK IS A BITCH.

-Gilbert

* * *

From: Yao Wang

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: What happened?

Dear Elizabeta,

I'm sorry to bother you when you might be working (Yeah, right), but do you have any idea what happened to Yong Soo? He's been beat up pretty bad. His lip is split, and he has bruises all over his face. He looked pretty in-pain yesterday, but today he looks even WORSE. The poor man… Every time I ask him what happened, he just laughs and tells me not to worry about it. He won't say a thing to me, but you two tell each other everything, right? Can you fill me in on what happened with him? I promise I won't tell him you told me.

I just…well, I'm worried about him. He's such a sweet boy, and if anyone is hurting him…Well, I'll make them regret it.

Please get back to me soon. This is really important to me.

Anxiously,

Yao Wang

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: OH MY GOD, YONG SOO!

YONG SOO!

YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS! THIS IS SO GOOD! OH LORD, YOU'RE GOING TO JUST DIIIIE! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THEN JONES LOSING THAT DRINKING CONTEST TO GILBERT AND HAVING TO GO STREAKING THROUGH THE OFFICE IN JUST HIS SOCKS!

Although admittedly that was both hilarious and disturbing. My god, I needed a CANOE to get through all the drool flowing out of Kirkland's mouth. I swear, that man needs to stop swimming in denial before the crocodiles get him.

…HAHAHAHAHA. GOD DAMN, I'M HILARIOUS.

But anyway. APPARENTLY YAO NOTICED YOU GOT HURT AND IS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU! HE WANTS ME TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED, AND HE SAID HE WOULD MAKE WHOEVER WAS HURTING YOU 'REGRET IT'!

EEEEEEE!

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Oh my god what...?

...  
AKJHUIAEFJN VUTIREOAKLDSJFNBGHURK!

THERE IS A FUCKING GOD.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Yao Wang

Subject: So you DO care about him…?

Wow, Yao. I thought you were just a frigid bitch all the time. But there IS something sweet under that pretty face! I'm so proud of you! Your small heart grew three sizes today! (Man, I am on FIRE today! It is a good day for Elizabeta, let me tell you!)

But according to Yong Soo and various other sources (that must remain nameless because of confidentiality; sorry, but that's just how I roll), Gilbert was antagonizing Yong Soo by insulting you. Y'know, calling you a girl like he usually does. I know for a fact that's also what started the fight yesterday, so I'm assuming Gilbert bringing it up again was a sore spot. And Yong Soo's always been superserious about 'protecting your honor' which I really DON'T understand, but it's very sweet anyway. He took on Beilschmidt because he was saying rude things about you! That boy is too cute for words.

…Yong Soo, I mean, not Beilschmidt. Beilschmidt is about as cute as a rabid squirrel that eats your legs off and then takes a crap on your face.

But that's the story, anyway. Yong Soo apparently snuck up behind him by ducking behind plants and humming mission impossible, which Beilschmidt didn't notice since he's almost as dense as Jones. He finally caught up to him right in front of the blood stain from when Sadiq punched Herakles in the nose and (I kid you not) tackled him from behind and attempted to throttle him with his bare hands. Beilschmidt attempted to buck him off and ended up crashing into Lovino (Aka, Not-Feliciano the intern), who fell on top of cute little Tino-the-guy-who-always-leaves-a-50%-tip-for-waiters-when-we-go-out-to-lunch. So there was a pigpile on poor Tino, with Lovino who was cussing up a storm and Beilschmidt and Yong Soo who were trying to beat the crap out of each other. They were down there for awhile, until BERWALD came by, who only saw three people crushing his Tino like a grape. His face darkened and he LIFTED ALL THREE OF THEM OFF WITH HIS SUPER BADASS STRENGTH AND THREW THEM INTO THE WATER COOLER. Which shattered all over and drenched them and Ludwig, who was lurking there per usual. But Berwald scooped up Tino in a bridal carry (TOO CUTE! Tino is totally the light of his existence. HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO ME ONCE) and carried him back to his cubicle.

So, yeah. That's what happened. Im Yong Soo has SOME wounds from the whole smashing-into-a-water-cooler thing, but more of them are from the fight with Beilschmidt. Beilschmidt is pretty damaged as well, and he has these interesting claw-marks around his throat, which I might pity him for except he's a little shit. And BERWALD NEEDS TO GO AHEAD AND ASK TINO TO LUNCH. I mean, REALLY. He calls the man his wife, and they've never had a nice dinner together, just the two of them.

But they're still cute as HELL.

Oh well. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Elizabeta signing off!

* * *

From: Yao Wang

To: Gilbert Bielschmidt

Subject: You just made the biggest mistake of your life.

Dear Gilbert,

I'm sorry it's had to come to this. I really don't dislike you any more than anyone else in this office, although generally people in this office tend not to like you. I mean, yes, you're obnoxious, and you're annoying, and make passes at several people who are definitely out of your league (I mean, really. I think everyone in this whole office EXCEPT Elizabeta knows how utterly smitten you are with her. Even Jones, and Jones thinks that Francis touches his butt because he has dirt on his jeans). But you've never done anything to offend me otherwise, at least personally.

That is, until today.

You see, you made a serious error today when you hurt my Yong-Soo. I know many people think I don't care for him at all, and he is one of those people. And sure, he's aggravating and overzealous, and I'm a little uncomfortable with the way he looks at me when he eats frozen yogurt. Only with the strawberry kind, though, which is a little odd… But he's also sweet, caring, and loving, and nothing should ever dampen his beautiful smile. Especially not some asshole's fist in his face.

And yes, Beilschmidt, I am talking about you.

If you have any guts at all, you'll meet me at the shattered remains of the water cooler and take your beating like a man. If not, I'll hunt you down and rip your hair out one fistful at a time. I'll be waiting, so don't you dare stand me up. Be there in fifteen minutes.

And just remember, you brought this on yourself.

…But I hope we can still be friends in the future.

Yao Wang

* * *

From: Berwald Oxenstierna

To: Tino Väinämöinen

Subject: I want you to be careful.

Tino,

This is okay, right? I've never sent you an email before, I didn't want to bother you when you probably don't have a lot of time to waste reading my emails. But this is also important, and I'm a little reluctant to go see you because Mr. Kirkland seems to be in one of his moods. Although he never seems to yell at me…and he always avoids eye contact with me…maybe he knows I work very hard and doesn't want to yell at me because he knows I do my best. I should thank him for his kindness and sensitivity the next time I see him. I hadn't realized he was so good-natured.

But I just wanted to send an email to let you know that I want you to be cautious. There have been an unusual number of violent outbreaks in the office, and I'm a little worried that you might get caught up in more of them. I mean, Yong Soo and Gilbert didn't even notice you were stuck under them! You sprained your ankle so badly (Speaking of which, do you need a new bag of ice for that? If so, please let me know), and I think you should be especially cautious when you leave your cubicle. In fact, if it's not too presumptuous to ask, would you mind if I…if I walked you to and from lunch every day? I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but I'm really worried. I mean, did you see what happened to Gilbert? Not only did Yong Soo tackle him and claw at his neck, but I just went by the water cooler again on the way to go get my good printer back from our slightly irritating Danish friend (I really wish he would stop stealing my Printer. He keeps yanking it out of my cubicle and running off with it when I go to get my morning cup of coffee. I don't even want to _know_ what he prints out of it, except it always comes back out of ink), I saw Yao beating him senseless. Him being Gilbert. I don't think it's physically possible for him to hurt Yong Soo.

…Although I have seen Yong Soo running while Yao chased him and threw the entire office's supply of staplers at him. But he didn't get hit by any of them. And I know that Yao is a good enough shot to have bashed his head with them if he wanted to. He must have had an off day.

But anyway. I know you would never do a single thing to hurt anyone, but if you wouldn't mind walking with me to lunch, please drop me a line, either via emailing or just in person. Thank you kindly for your time, and I'm sorry if I interrupted your work.

Berwald

* * *

From: Tino Väinämöinen

To: Berwald Oxenstierna

Subject: I promise I will!

Dear Berwald,

It's never anything but a pleasure to hear from you, I don't know why you think it would be a bother to receive one of your emails! In fact, I think you should do it more often. It really brightens up my day to get the opportunity to talk to you a little more.

I would be thrilled if you would walk with me to lunch every day! In fact, I was going to take my lunch break right now and go to that sweet little café on the corner and maybe have a chicken salad sandwich there. If you would be interested in joining me, meet me at the destroyed water cooler in five minutes. I'm really hoping you'll say yes, and I'm waiting eagerly for your decision! Thank you very much for your time, and with any luck, I'll see you shortly!

Love,

Tino

(…B-but Love in the platonic sense. Not, like, IN love. Just…WITH love. Platonically.)

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Im Yong Soo

Subject: IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN.

BERWALD AND TINO ARE HAVING A SECRET RENDEZVOUS AT THE WATER COOLER.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

* * *

From: Im Yong Soo

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: ...Why does everyone in this office have rendezvous at the water cooler?

HOLY SHIT, BERWALD IS MAKING A MOVE.

HELL TO THE FUCKING YES.

TEAM LIZZIE-SOO IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN.

PEACE.


End file.
